Tuesday, January 27, 2015

The Bachelor: A-virgin therapy

Christ, I am so fucking sorry for that title.  That is really, really terrible.  Sorry.

Tonight's Special Guests will be a trio of Chris' unnamed sisters, who will interview some of the chixx and decide who gets a Very Special Date with the Farmer.  Hey, beats drinking warm goat milk like last week, I guess.

A bunch of the Ladies are off with C in 2 cars with C driving one and HOLY CRAP THEY'RE LETTING MEGAN THE SIMPLE DRIVE THE OTHER ONE.  I didn't know you could still get that kind of insurance, ABC!  One of the Ashleys comments "For me, if a guy is driving, it's one of the sexiest things he can do."  Whoa girl, your commute must be SEXCITING.  Wait til you see me parallel park!  Holy shit, put your clothes back on!  Anyway, this odd procession makes its way to some sad-looking 34% full reservoir somewhere in Southern Cali and it's not long before bikini parts are flying.  The Widow Kelsey is NOT AT ALL HAPPY about this date and the "muddy water hellhole" that compares unfavorably to the lakes of the Great State of Michigan!  We're in a drought, bitch!  Not our fault!

Back at the house, the Farmer Sisters have concluded their interviews - not before making Carly cry because she's never been loved, Y I K E S - and JADE has been named the new Regional Manager!  I mean, she gets to go on the date or whatever.

Let's head back to Lake Hellhole where there's going to be some camping!  Oh shit, Krazee Ashley is ready to throw down.  What she's "most scared of" is having no music so she starts chanting nonsensical syllables and doing her epileptic seizure dance.  Kraz gets a chance to sit down with C and maybe show him the other night was an aberration and she can be totally normal.

Sad trombone.  As C struggles with this admittedly layered and complex question, Kraz is onto new topics!  "Look at the moon.  It's so weird to me.  And we're sitting here.  Like that's weird to me."  It's pretty clear now that Kraz is either (1) putting on an act trying to get national attention (2) trying a series of powerful hallucinogens for the first time on network TV or (3) actually in a dissociative state and no one is helping her.  Anyway, she closes strong with "I love everything about you" and

Kaitlyn kind of nails it when she says "I don't think Ashley is here for the right reasons because I don't even know if she knows where here is."

VIRGIN TIME!!!!  She decides she's going to spill the beans to C and sneaks into his tent in the middle of the night and thank God they aren't filming in Texas or she would be all kinds of shot.  She jabbers some nonsense about not being experienced and it's like if you're gay and just tell your parents you like musical theater and think "That should about do it!"

I'm gonna really condense the Big Date with Jade because it's essentially just a half hour commercial for some new live-action Cinderella movie like GOD I am so sick of seeing stories about privileged white people overcoming their struggles.  This date mostly consists of them eating dinner alone in a huge room and then dancing alone in another huge room while a movie plays in the background.  It's like an agoraphobic's dream date,  Anyway, they both are essentially personalityless so I assume they will end up together.

Group date starts with a bunch of chicks in wedding dresses getting on a plane.  Hey, Mormons in the Sky!  Next month on FXX.  Anyway, they land at SFO and they're going to run some mud obstacle course to raise awareness for MS or something.  Obvs Jillian is SUPER INTO THIS and everyone else basically quits and Jillian beats that course like a bitch who snitched on her to the bulls.  She is awarded a night dinner which she will CRUSH TO DEATH.

This dinner takes place high atop the Fairmont here in lovely SF.  Jillian has figured out how to put on a dress.  C is babbling non sequitirs.  "Family is really important to me, where do you see yourself in five years?"  He's just reading random First Date Question Cards together. Jillian unleashes a word firehose on hapless C and literally asks him if he'd rather fuck a homeless girl or go celibate for 5 years.  DON'T ANSWER THAT.  Understandably alarmed, he boots her off the show and somehow she doesn't beat the shit out of him.  We'll miss you and your guns, J.

Cocktail Party!  It's Round 2 of Trying to Tell Him I'm a Virgin.  She gets it out and SURPRISE! He "totally respects that" which is what you say anytime you find out an adult woman is a virgin or is paralyzed and can paint with her toes or whatever.  Oh shit, Becca's a virgin too!  Everyone's a virgin now!  Baby Jesuses all around!

Here's who's staying: Baby Voice, iCarly, Megan the Simple, Still Not Sure Who Samantha Is But She Keeps Hanging Around, Virgins I & II, and SparklyBritt.  Finally, Krazee Ashley can get some help.  Also out the door are Chick With Dark Hair I've Never Seen Before and Juelia the Pool Party Ruiner.  Better days, ladies.

UPDATE!!!!!! THE PLOT THICKENS.  According to I'm sure reputable source "The Stir," Krazee Ashley isn't a hairstylist from Brooklyn AT ALL.  No, she's just a boring office drone from Atlanta.  Good luck finding a hairstylist in Brooklyn with no visible tattoos, just like I said.  Her Instagram feed looks like Normal Off the Shelf White Girl America.  So it was an act.  Lame.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

This video of a chick taking stuff out of a plastic backback is my daughter's "The Wire"

I'm not sure exactly how she stumbled upon it - it was most likely on one of those YouTube sidebars of "other videos you might like" while she was watching one of her OG Elmo or nursery rhymes videos - but somehow our 22-month-old daughter discovered the below video and it has now become her own personal "Spitter" episode of Seinfeld.  She will watch it again and again.

WARNING: Do not watch it unless you're interested in a pair of hands with complicated nails remove a series of smaller toys from a plastic backpack and then, in turn, open those smaller toys.

Not exactly the last season of Breaking Bad, is it?  I'm not really sure what is so attractive about this to our kid.  I have theorized that there is some kind of child-level ASMR thing going on, and I will admit the sound of the toys going back into the backpack makes a satisfying "klunk" that my daughter and I both find soothing.  (Well, I imagine she does.  She likes to watch the shit out of it but she's never said "Dada, I find this soothing.")  The parents in the article linked below also share my ASMR theory, to my somewhat surprise.

THE PLOT THICKENS.  Turns out the fancy-nailed Dora backpack opener is THE HIGHEST PAID YOUTUBE EARNER IN THE WORLD.


That's right.  This anonymous chick (and if you read the linked article, she seems pretty vigilant about being anonymous) made FIVE MILLION DOLLARS LAST YEAR opening and assembling Disney toys on camera.  She came in ahead of #2, TAYLOR FUCKING SWIFT.

This fact is so mindblowing to me partly because until some time last year I had no idea there was such a thing as "unboxing" videos and until a few days ago I really didn't know you could make five million dollars a year making them.

(SIDE NOTE: #4 on the YouTube Walk of Fame is Little Baby Bum, which produces a seemingly endless series of animated videos that I assume if you have a kid you're as familiar with as I am.  They are as addictive for toddlers as oxy is for Kentuckians.  I could - and perhaps will - write a whole other thing about the LBB world and its characters.)

Anyway, I'm sure the Dora backpack video will blow over at some point just like other once-favorite videos have been discarded.  It's just one of those Inexplicable Things about kids.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

The Bachelor: Jillian runs this yard, bitch

This week's gimmick is going to be repeated appearances by Jimmy Kimmel, to what end I cannot imagine other than to use Kimmel's supposed cachet to prop up the bloated Bachelor corpse but what really happens is that Jimmy's antics highlight the moss-covered-rock-like personality of the Farmer.  Anyway, we kick off with Kimmel delivering a monologue that's even less funny than a normal monologue would be and the introduction of a swear jar for the word "amazing" which is just as dumb and pointless a concept as it sounds.  I would support the idea of a jar you have to put a dollar into every time one of the girls stares into the void and prays for a merciful and painless end but I'm not sure there's a jar big enough.

Solo date with Kaitlyn with a K.  For some reason they're going to Costco.  This is supposed to be funny I think.  Oh, I get it, it's what Real Married Couples do so that's the point.  I guess Watching 3 Hours of Top Chef wouldn't make for good TV but that's what Real Married Couples do.  Anyway, watching people shop at Costco is just as boring and dumb as actually going to Costco.

The idea here is that they'll then go back to the Pad and cook dinner for Jimmy, who shows up with a gift and some bad jokes.  Having Jimmy there just highlights how fake and staged the whole show is (which more on that later).  It's pointless to write anything else about this.  It's stupid and nobody should watch this show anyway.

We are then transported to a farmlike setting for some kind of Group Date Farm Obstacle Course that includes collecting eggs and milking goats and catching pigs and collecting farm subsidies for land you didn't even farm and growing bioengineered nightmare crops that will eventually turn all of us into mutantlike puddles of flesh.  But hey, cute goats!  The Shoveling Manure stage, a wry commentary on the show as a whole, is dominated by Jillian the Barbarian, who has a black boxed ass again and apparently dresses for every event like she's posing for Hustler.

Another night, another rooftop pool.  Carly, who "won" the Farmalympics, gets her close-up and WHOA GIRL WHAT THE FUCK WITH THOSE EYEBROWS.

Need to talk to your Eyebrow Artiste, because she accidentally gave you the South American Dictator or the Angry Clown instead of the Girl Next Door.  Anyway, she correctly tells him "You are a man and I'm a woman" and mashes her face into him.  Meanwhile, Jillian, Inmate #24557, has made Britt her bitch.

Date with Baby Voice.  She likes to meet people in airports and then become Facebook friends with them.  This is stalking behavior!  "So nice to meet you at DFW! Hope your children BRAD and KELLY enjoy ROOSEVELT MIDDLE SCHOOL!"

ABC has gone all out on this one and staged an entire wedding they can pretend to crash.  Farmer is worried they "may end up in jail" but they're white so I doubt it. They magically change into formalwear and ABC plays this whole thing like it's hostage negotiations tense but it's fake as shit.  Whatever.

OH GOOD Jimmy Kimmel is back for the Cocktail Party. Except - WHAT?!? - no Cocktail Party!?  It's a pool party instead? NO FUCKING WAY!!!!!  Like we give a shit.  Megan the Simple, however, reacts like she's been told there's no school today or she's getting free Goldfish crackers.

You know what goes good with a pool party?  Plastic drinkware?  Yes, but also a gut-wrenching tale of your spouse's suicide, or at least that's what Juelia or however you spell it seems to think.  It's really horrible and Farmer is like "Can I get a tissue?" when his face says "Can I get a body double?"  Later, Boss Bitch of the Yard Jillian has commandeered the hot tub when some other chicks interrupt.  OTHER CHICKS WHO ARE GETTING SHANKED TONIGHT I MEAN.

OK, let's wrap this up.  Who's in?  Jade, Samantha, Juelia, Kids Having Kids, The Widow Kelsey, Britt, Megan the Simple, Carly, Krazee Ashley (MISS YOU BOO, HOPING TO SEE MORE NEXT WEEK), Again, Who The  Fuck Is Nikki, Boss Bitch Jillian, and the Virgin.

We must bid farewell to Possibly Black Amber, Some Blonde Chick I Didn't Recognize, and Some Other Chick I Didn't Recognize.  Next week it appears we're off to SF so hopefully it's just two hours of standing in line at Tartine.

Friday, January 16, 2015

Jim Harbaugh's Twitters are the ravings of a lunatic

Former 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh just took to Twitter and MAN IS HE EXCITED.
Emerson! Loved to use! Exclamation points! Didn't he!

His whole Twitter stream is like this.  It's like somebody gave molly to a Labrador.

That's a lot of Enthusiasm! But I wonder what kind of Enthusiasm is Unknown to Mankind. ALIEN ENTHUSIASM. Jim Harbaugh is an alien.

Some of the tweets read like someone is holding a gun to his head and forcing him to type them:
Pope Francis is a Michigan fan? Oh shit, wait til Notre Dame finds out about this. They'll dump Catholicism and become a Greek Orthodox school. Notros Damos.

Also, Jim Harbaugh's dad looks EXACTLY like Jim Harbaugh with old man makeup on:

Have a good weekend!

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Best Picture Nominations: My Analysis

“American Sniper”

Didn't see it.  Probably will never see it.  I don't like movies that glorify war unless it's World War II and the movie is "Patton," which is one of the most kick-ass movies of all time.  I mean, I don't know if this movie glorifies war but probably.


Didn't see it.  Is this the one with Michael Keaton?  He hasn't made a good movie since Beetlejuice, tbh.


Didn't see it.  This is the one where Richard Linklater kept showing up at this kid's house every couple of years with "Hey, wanna do some more filming?"  SO.  FUCKING.  SKETCHY.  If you were that kid's mom, wouldn't you be like "Umm, sorry Mr. Linklater, he's busy this week."  Also starring Ethan Hawke and his One Facial Expression.

“The Grand Budapest Hotel”

DID SEE IT.  A couple of nights ago on HBO.  Pretty good!  Not as good as "Rushmore" or "The Royal Tenenbaums."  Anyway I'm sure it's brilliant and everything.  It's not very funny, though.

“The Imitation Game”

Didn't see it.  It's the one with the British guy right?


Didn't see it.

“The Theory of Everything”

Wait, this is a different movie from "The Imitation Game"?


This would be a good title for a Fast & Furious movie.  Like "Fast & Furious 8: Whiplash!"  But I gather it's not that.  It's about jazz and has the psychologist from Law & Order.  NEXT.

NOTABLE OMISSIONS: Steve Carell nose movie, Did Scorsese make a movie this year?, That movie based on the book everybody liked, That movie where a white guy learned something important about himself, The Hungry Games.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

The Bachelor: Give me your crazy, your drunk, your huddled simpletons yearning to read

Before we can get started on our dates this week there's some garbage time about how Yoga Kimberly who got kicked off last week wants to get back on and OH WHATEVER SHALL WE DO and brows are furrowed and eventually Kimberly is readmitted into the pack and the other chicks look at her like she's Al Sharpton at a Klan rally.  IN ANOTHER BIT OF SHOCKING NEWS we are informed that Farmer Chris's bachleor pad is not on some distant isle but LO, JUST AT THE END OF THE DRIVEWAY.  Whatever.

Group Date with some of them give me a break it's too early to learn all their names yet.  The Scream of Chicks reports to what appears to be a faceless office building in LA but is actually 1010 Wilshire, "a new lifestyle solution for professionals wanting to live, work, and play" which sounds like it could be anything from a nutritional supplement to an app but is actually rental units with you guessed it a rooftop pool.  Based on what I know from the Bachelor, every building in LA is equipped with a rooftop pool and a set of stemless wineglasses.
Meanwhile, back at the Female Farm, the News Producer who has apparently decided to produce herself out of bikini bottoms forcing ABC to black box her private area and Megan the Simple with her Life Helmet on have decided to burgle Chris's quarters.

We return to the Group Date where the next event, inevitably, is Bikini Tractor Racing, which I think Tara does professionally.

Periodic reminder that I love Tara.  Her tagline is "Sport Fishing Enthusiast" which is code for something dirty or illegal but I haven't figured it out yet.  Anyway, the producers have fixed the tractors so they can only go 3 mph to make a sad commentary on the state of the family farm.

Post tractoring C culls Kids Having Kids McKenzie or MacKenzie or whatever from the herd probably to take her for soft serve or to see Frozen.  Oh wait they're going to some bar called "The Escondite" which bills itself on its website as being in "SKIDROWKYO" in case you had the idea that SF had a monopoly on repellent neighborhood monikers.  Anyway, McK is a little crazy and nobody told her you don't bust out with "Do you believe in aliens" on the first date!

Solo date with Megan the Simple.

In the limo she says, no joke, "I just read the word airport" so GRAPE JOB MEGAN!!!!!  You get a treat.  They private jet to Vegas and then take the whirly stick machine up in the sky!  SECOND ACTUAL MEGAN QUOTE: "The butterflies in my stomach are just colorful and smiling and fluttering all over the place."  Jesus fucking Christ.  Anyway, they chopper to the Grand Canyon where Megan reveals that her Dad just had a heart attack and got brain damage but Mom told her to go on the show anyway!  C feels like "there is something here" but it's clearly not crossword puzzle answers or the ability to read a fast food menu.  Megan may be sweet but she is dumber than a roomful of mutes.

ANOTHER FUCKING GROUP DATE  with like 20 of them.  Apparently Zombie Paintball is a thing?  I don't know.  It's some fake movie set and the chix all wander around shooting people who have the Worst Job in America with paintball guns.

OK, we have to talk about Brooklyn Ashley (who I mistakenly said was kicked off last week) because it's very sad.  Either she ate a ton of fucking mushrooms right before this or had a mental break on camera because she spent most of the segment wandering aimlessly around the set and saying things like "Boom, go find your own way, you know, the truth" and "Are we in Mesa Verde?" Then she sat down to talk to the cat.  Seriously, what the fucking fuck.  Some other shit happened I guess but this conflagration of crazy kind of stole the show.  YOU DO YOU BROOKLYN ASHLEY.

Let's jump to the Cocktail Party.  Hopefully Ashley's cocktail is Risperdal and Thorazine.  Some Other Ashley comes out as a virgin to Teen Mom who opines that "Guys like taking your virginity!" in such a disturbingly perky way that makes me think there might be more than one dude who thinks he deflowered McKenzie. Armed with this insider info Ashley the Virgin approaches C and engages in some kind of bizarre belly ring ceremony that ultimately results in them slapping their faces together like fur seals.  Later, Possibly Black Amber also gets in on the face sucking which drives Drunk Jordan into a drunken drunk furor.

I'm loving all the drunks this season!  Anyway, Drunk Jordan advances on C and starts yelling nonsensically at him like they're in a college sports bar and Guns N Roses is blasting.  She is literally just stringing random words together.  LOVE YA JORD.

Let's hand out some roses.  Britt, duh, the Virgin, Who the Fuck Is Trina, the Widow Kelsey, SaMANtha, Surprise Also a Widow Juealia or however it's spelled, Possibly Black Amber, Tracey or Tracy, Jillian, Jade, Nicki or Mickey or something, Becka, Carly, Baby Voice, and YAY KRAZEE ASHLEY!!!!

As much as I long to see Ashley get dosed again, my heart is heavy, for C has excused Team Highball!  Oh man, no, no, NOT TARA!!!!  You did not just cut Tara.  Fuck you, Chris. We're losing Tara AND Jordan?  Me and Don Julio both weep for our bleak future.

Monday, January 12, 2015

Debra J. Saunders, not content to merely rest on her laurels, pens column so brain-numbingly stupid it's below even her ultra-low standards

Why do I do this to myself.  Why do I click on a Debra J. Saunders column knowing - KNOWING - that the stupid will come tumbling out like a ruptured dog shit bag.  Why.  Why.

Let's start, as we must, with a Debra J. Saunders patented NO RELATION TO THE TRUTH OR ANYTHING ACCURATE HEADLINE:

Obamacare czar: don’t get annual physical

The problem with this inanity, of course, is that there is no "Obamacare czar" and even if there was, it would not be Dr. Ezekiel J. Emanuel, who doesn't even work for the federal government.  At one point in time, he was a health care adviser to the president, but that doesn't make him an "Obamacare czar" any more than once flying coach on United makes Debra J. Saunders a fighter pilot.

Here's how this vapid piece of semi-literate garbage begins:

This opinion piece kills me. Ezekiel J. Emanuel, brother of Rahm, is a former senior health care adviser to President Obama. Now he writes a piece in The New York Times telling people to skip their annual physical. It says, “Most think of it as the human equivalent of a 15,000-mile checkup and fluid change, which can uncover hidden problems and ensure longer engine life.”
“There is only one problem: From a health perspective, the annual physical exam is basically worthless.”

Debra's belief that an op-ed can kill her is roughly consistent with her level of intellect and understanding of Emanuel's column.  Anyway, if you read the actual column, it's based on a study of 182,000 people over 9 years that found that annual checkups "are unlikely to be beneficial."

Big fucking deal.  So don't get an annual physical if you feel fine, right?  NOPE.  In the fevered imagination of Debra J. Saunders, this the #Benghazi of health care.

Remember the 2008 sales pitch about how universal health care would mean regular doctor visits that would keep people healthier and hence out of the pricey emergency room? That’s how Obamacare would cover more people without driving up costs — that was the con-job argument anyway. In that spirit, the Affordable Care Act considers the annual physical to be an “essential benefit” for which there is no co-payment.
Oh God, Debra J. Saunders.  I hope this is an act because if you're actually this stupid I fear for your safety when handling scissors or alighting upon a curb.  If there is something wrong with you, it is demonstrably true that a doctor's office visit is cheaper than going to the emergency room.  And perhaps some people - like those with chronic health problems - need annual physicals.  What the Emanuel op-ed says that if you're otherwise healthy, studies show that an annual physical is unlikely to confer health benefits.  Why is that so hard to understand?

And finally, Debra J. Saunders, Dr. Emanuel is not empowered to control how often anyone sees the doctor, so if you want to have 14 physicals a year, and you can find a doctor as equally stupid as you, go for it.